Cruse bereavement care

[Emz2014]

Cruse is a valuable resource for bereavement.  Dr's will often share information about the counselling Cruse offers, their website also gives some helpful information about grief so sharing the link here:

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/about-grief/feelings-when-someone-dies

If you're struggling don't be afraid to reach out for help, reaching out is a sign of strength not weakness

[SarahB]

Cruse have a SIX MONTH waiting list (in Northern Ireland at least), so I do question how valuable they are. I've heard they are good and can provide help, but we already have citizens here going to the newspapers about the wait. Who can afford to wait for 6 months when you have had a loss?? 

[Karena]

 :hug:It seems a long time Sarah but in some ways that is a relatively small time even though it doesnt feel like it when its happening i totally get that but on what can be a very long journey it comes at a time when you are less in shock less at the extremes and feeling so weary with everything that goes on with it  - - Grief counselling isnt a cure - there isnt a cure - but it can help you stop some negative ways of thinking and make you think a different way and in the early days it is more difficult for us to do that, because our minds are such a mess - and there are things we do to distract ourselves - settling estates changing utility bill names and insurances etc - our minds can play a trick of allowing us to focus on them - our frustrationand anger goes into them and we dont deal with our grief because of it.

To give you an example. If this week the biggest thing that happened was some utility company sent a bill in your mums name then refused to speak to you about it because they can only speak to the person the bill is for and no you cant pay it because you are not them - and you know you have already sent them a death certificate twice and its so frustrating and inconsiderate and makes you so angry - chances are you ar going to talk about that at a counselling session rather than the whole underlying issue which is your mum dying. It also gives you time to recognise what are the worst aspects what is the hardest thing to deal with about it all - what cant you come to terms with,  and focus on those.     

[SarahB]

Ah ok Karena, thanks I didn't know that. I thought it was for immediate help in the aftermath of the death but I understand what you mean.

Is it normal to have these feelings of being completely overwhelmed by it all? That's how I have felt all weekend, just lost and on the verge of complete panic.

[Karena]

  yes it is normal
I thought i was losing the plot i really believed i was going mad, then i would come here and write and some-one would say no you are not going mad that happened to me as well - and i am no stranger too it i though i knew what to expect but i didnt - there is so much to deal with - your loss, and grief and all those emotions around that but all those feelings  about yourself too - because it changes who you are and it changes who those left around you are to you too. - The ones who let you down are not who you thought they were  - in reality they probably never were but you didnt require them to be because the person you lost made up for what was lacking in the others - the one who never let you down, never turned away from you In a way you are looking for those qualities in others and finding them lacking  they always were were lacking but it didnt matter so much before.

its like some kind of turbine -a central piece with loads of fine threads attached and flying round in complete chaos. You are in the centre and everything around is moving and changing and makes no sense because you are spinning as well but you are spinning on the spot in tiny hopeless circles and very fast  - you cant move away from it you cant rest  you are just stuck and you cant grasp the threads of the stuff happening around you until you stop spinning and the only way to do that is to slow it down - find some peace in yourself give yourself some space and time - give yourself some breaks 0 breathe and start to accept you have changed and  those changes are a fundamental part of who you are now  - you will always love and miss your mum but she will always be a big part of who you become and move forward with you, and when you stop spinning and everything is a bit calmer thats when you can grab those threads and start to untangle them  and put them in some kind of order - deal with the bad ones and discard them and weave the good ones back together to make a stronger fabric to hold you up and you will find that even though she is physically not here your mum remains a central part of that fabric.

[SarahB]

Thank you Karena.

I guess I am trying to move too fast. I'm trying to hold on to everything, my friends included incase they forget me but at the minute I just don't want to socialise a lot. It does hurt me because all of them drive but there's always a factor - boyfriends, partners, oh I have a baby aged 3 who won't settle without me - none of them 'get it'. And I find myself thinking awful things like 'oh my God, WHEN is this going to happen to you too?? Why did I lose both of mine? You haven't lost anyone!!!' I don't say that obviously but everyone at the moment seems to me like they are in this GLORIOUS BUBBLE OF HAPPINESS. I feel like everyone is happy, except me.

I have made a bit of a decision to take a step back and try to just focus on myself. It's hard because I fear abandonment SO much but I'm sick running after people when they've got nothing serious to deal with.

It happened again today when we went to pay to have the grave opened for committal of her ashes. The lady behind the desk asked her age and when I said 69 she said 'Aw dear..' as if THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!! I'm sick of people doing that!

I'm so afraid that I WILL NOT BE ABLE to get through this. What if I can't??

[Sandra61]

Stop stressing yourself out, Sarah. You will get through this, because you must, especially if you have a child who depends on you. Be glad of those cuddles and be happy being a mum. There is no point to peer into a future that hasn't happened yet and won't for a long time. Just deal with the present and the current day and let tomorrow take care of itself. You are putting too much strain on yourself and that isn't necessary.

Try to treat yourself to at least one nice thing each day and instead of focussing on the bad things the future could hold, look for the small things that are good and to be grateful for in the day that you are living through. It was sunny today and the wind had stopped howling. I was grateful for that. A friend rang me and we had a nice chat. That brightened my day.

It's the little daily things that you need to focus on, Sarah. Tomorrow will come with whatever it holds, without us worrying about that in advance, so take the pressure off yourself.

Sending strength. 

[SarahB]

Thank you Sandra. I do pressure myself so much - to fit in, to keep going, to always be the one to make contact.

I don't have a child - as such - I have pets, and they are like my children. I couldn't love them more if they were human. So I have to keep going for them, even though at times lately I have just wanted everything to end.

Sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place - tomorrow my brother and I are having my Mum's ashes committed to be with my Dad. So that's just the next chapter. Very nervous about it. Mum always wanted a Piper so I've arranged that. I just hope I can get through it.

Thanks for sending strength Sandra. 

[Sandra61]

Sorry, Sarah. I misunderstood your previous post.

Good luck for today. You may be surprised. I am sure you will get through it, but for me, attending the funeral, though terrifying, did bring a degree of closure for me. Perhaps it will for you too and at least you will have somewhere to go and visit your mum and dad. I find I tend to go to the graveside and chat to my parents there and tell them what's been going on in my life. I like having somewhere to go, even if it is just their bodies left there. I chat to them at home too. It's silly perhaps, but I do feel like they are around sometimes, even if I can't see them.

The piper sounds a lovely idea. Stay strong. At least you have your brother for support too. Let us know how it goes, if you would like to. 

[SarahB]

I will Sandra thank you, I appreciate that.

I am nervous and no doubt I will be tearful when the Piper starts. I just hope my Mum's very overbearing friend doesn't try to do anything unexpected. She has a way of making everything about her and I won't be able to handle it. 

[Karena]

I know you dont know us in the real world  so its not the same - but just so you know - we wont abandon you.

[SarahB]

That means so much to me because I do feel abandoned. By my parents, my friends - everyone :(