Feeling lost and sad

[Buttercup]

Morning all, I lost my mum very suddenly in March. She was fit and well and then her heart stopped. My poor dad had do deal with everything alone until I could reach them. Thankfully I got to see her, although she was already gone (brain damaged) I did kiss her goodbye.
My dad had been so incredibly strong and I'm so very proud of how he's embraced his new life after, 46years of marriage, he's just amazing.
I try to spend more time with him and its very apparent some of our phone calls, I am his only conversation that day.
I am wary of us becoming too dependent on each other as I would be completely lost without my daily dose of daddy isms!
My husband has been so supportive, I couldn't ask for more, however I hate hearing my own voice when I do open up to him, the only one I can talk to.
I am feeling so alone and sad, I was and am completely unprepared to live my life without my mum. Whose support and advice has guided me through every step of my life. I miss her every hour of every day and I'm struggling to hide this emotion from everyone who thinks I'm coping.
My heart and love goes out to anyone reading this who has lost and is feeling this sad. It's horrific and I wish you all strength and love to pick yourself up and battle another day ♥

[Sandra61]

Sending you an understanding welcome hug, Buttercup.  I also came here after losing my mum, so I understand what you are going through. I am glad you still have your dad and am glad he seems to be coping. I wouldn't worry about being dependant on him or him on you though. I think the older we get the more we do depend on our younger relatives and you need to make the most of it while you still have him, so don't overthink it. Just speak whenever you can and cherish every moment.

You mention trying to hide your true feelings from those around you. Although we all tend to do that, it really isn't necessary or a particularly good idea. I don't do it anymore. If I am not feeling very strong, I find it can help to tell some of those around me. I made some new friends at a class I joined not too long after I lost my mum to help me have something to look forward to each week and they have honestly been more understanding and have given me more support than
 i have had from those close to me, so support can be found in the most unlikely of places. Don't bother hiding it. You might be surprised how much talking helps, even to those we don't know very well.

Keep talking to us here too. We are all on the same hard journey and will understand. 

[Buttercup]

Hi Sandra, thank you for your reply and your understanding. I know I feel so blessed to still have my dad and that we are really close.
That's interesting you started a new class and made some new friends from it....maybe I should look to join something local? Thanks for the idea 👍

[Karena]

HI buttercup so sorry about your mum.
 I agree with Sandra dont worry about co dependancy with your dad. When my husband died i spoke to my daughter daily and this is still the same - it isnt dependancy or checking in its just normal really.
When you think about it in times gone by it was much less likely people moved a long way from their birthplace and their parents so it would have been really normal to see them at some point of the day, but that didnt mean counter dependancy they each would still have their own lives and own interests.That has all changed now and geographical distance means its a phone call instead.
I wonder if youre maybe subconsciousely worrying that it would make it more difficult for you when he is also no longer here in which case i would still say no,because you would be just as distressed and have the same grief either way but this way you wont be wondering  about the conversations you didnt have because when you are having them you are building memorys to treasure.



 

[Buttercup]

Ahhh Karena thank you. That made me cry a little ♥ xx
I think you've hit the nail on the head there. My dad has become my rock and mum left us so suddenly I think it brings home how fragile and temporary our lives are. I think I have been thinking about the what if with my dad. Who is so fit and healthy (touchwood) he's independent, still driving and attending to his beloved garden - so I am blessed and we are creating new experiences and new routines together.
Thank you for your help and support 🤗

[Karena]

  you may not know it but i think you are his rock too. As a parent and a dad his role has always been to protect and care for you.
When your children leave home its sad but its part of the natural process of parenting its what we expect its what all those years have been about but when you lose the other parent and find that partnership is suddenly out of sight and that role has gone too, it can make you feel your whole life is pointless unless you have another role to continue forward with. A garden in my view is a really good place to be where you can recover not just through physical work but because you are never really alone there, there is always some part of nature which takes your mind away from loss and shows you that in some way this circle of life we are all part of is a circle not a road with just a beginning and an end, it changes with loss of some-one on it but we also find ways to take them forward with us in a different form just as leaf falls and its appearance changes, its role was always to feed the tree and it continues to do so on the ground - so perhaps when you do get to see him, being together in the garden and sharing that will be a way for you both to start to heal the pain a little bit.

[Emz2014]

I can understand those feelings, having lost my dad I had fears of losing my mum too.  What has helped me is to keep telling myself to enjoy all the moments with her that I can - dont let future worries take away joy from today 
Hope it helps being able to chat in the forum 

[Buttercup]

Thank you Emz, you're very kind. Im so pleased I found this safe place to share feelings ♥

[Emz2014]

This forum really helped me - being able to talk with others who understand and be able to share things really helps